Can't Do Nothin' Right

Lyrics

Can't Do Nothin' Right
Dirt Road Gospel Music
DirtRoadGospelMusic.com

[Intro]
[Husband - spoken] Fellas, y'all know exactly what I'm about to say

[Verse 1 - Husband]
Mowed the yard on Saturday, lines straight as a ruler
She said "You missed a spot, and why'd you start before I told ya?"
Loaded up the dishwasher, every bowl tucked in its place
She rearranged the whole dang thing with that look upon her face
I ain't complainin', I'm just sayin'
I'm losin' by a hundred and I'm the only one playin'

[Verse 2 - Husband]
Brought her home some flowers, she said "What'd you do this time?"
Said "Nothin', babe, I love you" — she said "That ain't your best line"
Cooked her dinner Tuesday, didn't burn a single thing
She said the kitchen looked like Sherman marched through it in the spring
I quit expectin' trophies when I walk through that door
Twenty years of "almost, honey" — I can't take it anymore

[Chorus - Husband]
I can't do nothin' right, but buddy I keep tryin'
Hung the pictures with a level — she just stood there sighin'
I fixed the leaky faucet, now she misses how it dripped
I'm the only man in Texas overdue for a tip
I can't do nothin' right

[Wife - spoken] Oh, that's real sweet, honey. Give me that microphone.

[Verse 3 - Wife]
He mowed my begonias flat — them lines was awful straight, though
Put my cast iron in the dishwasher — girls, don't make me say more
And them flowers he keeps braggin' on? I'll tell you why I grilled him
'Cause the last time he showed up with roses, he'd wrecked the fence and hid it

[Verse 4 - Wife]
That supper didn't burn, that's true, I thanked him for the meal
Then I scrubbed that kitchen two whole hours — Sherman got a raw deal
He folds the towels into shapes that science ain't explained
I ain't naggin', babe, I'm coachin' — and Lord knows you need trainin'

[Chorus - Wife]
He says he can't do nothin' right — well, honey, he ain't wrong
But he shows up every mornin' like the fight ain't never on
I keep the score 'cause I'm still watchin' — that's the part he never knew
Bless his heart, he tries
And girls... that's why I said "I do"

[Bridge - Husband and Wife]
If one of us said "good job, babe," we wouldn't know what to do
We'd check each other's foreheads, maybe call the doctor too
He gets it wrong, she keeps the score, but here's the thing about that board —
If she's still countin' after twenty years, she's still countin' on him, Lord

[Final Chorus - Husband and Wife]
We can't do nothin' right — and Lord, we hope we never do
He complains, she complains, and every word of it is true
He snores like a chainsaw, but she scoots in close at night
'Cause the one thing this whole world can see we went and got dead right
Was standin' up in front of God and sayin' "I do, I do"
We can't do nothin' right... but we do it side by side

[Outro]
[Husband - spoken] Honey? ...Yeah, I know. I'll fix it in the mornin'
[Wife - spoken] ...And baby, so help me, touch that thermostat again